Current location:	Dad's house.
Current mood:	crushed
Current music:	Stab My Back - All American Rejects
Entry tags:	relationship

Butthole Pleasures
Two... no, three long nights in a row. I've gotten behind on blogging so I'll save tonight's adventures for tomorrow morning.

I stayed up late last night talking to Tom.

In general, I hate when people make a big deal out of crying. I'm the sort of person for whom such a thing is personal - I make a big deal of shutting myself out, being inconspicuous, locking the door and leaving no signs that it ever happened. I can count the number of people who have seen me cry on one hand.

But last night I cried like I haven't in a very long time. I'm talking shaking, head in hands, gasping, tissues, world ending tears.

And after many hours of grief and hurt and confusion we'd gotten to the root of it. And now that I'm here, I realize there's no solution.

He's always had issues. We both have, but his I think run a lot deeper. They've caused us trouble in the past, but I thought that meeting him might help . I was wrong.

Turns out, love doesn't conquer all.

He's never satisfied with how he looks. I thought the fact that I think he's the most gorgeous man alive would help. It doesn't.

He's pessimistic. He thinks he'll never amount to anything. He has trouble committing to things. I thought the fact that to me he has no flaws would help. It doesn't.

He feels useless. I thought the fact that he's my world would help. It doesn't.

He drinks. I thought the fact that it hurts me would be enough to change that. It isn't.

He can be insensitive, stubborn, impossible to talk to. I thought with time and care I could teach him to talk with me. I can't.

Only he can help himself. When he gets frustrated or depressed, there's nothing I can say to make it better. I need so bad to fix these things for him, to help him.

But I can never say the right things, or he can't ever hear them. I can't do the right things, or he can't ever see them.

I thought I could change him or fix him and I can't. It's not fair of me to put myself in a position where all my energy and heart and soul go into helping a person who can't or won't accept it. It hurts me that I can't do these things for him that I need to.

And I know that in the future this will tear us apart. It is, now.

The right thing for me to do is end it. My head says 'yes' but my heart says 'no.' But I'm so terrified that I'm incapable of making that decision for myself.

A part of me wants to get it over with, sever all ties. But I know I won't be able to. I love him too much and too hard and for too long. I can't imagine life without him. He's all I've ever known and when I think about trying to move on I can't see two feet in front of my face.

Without him, nothing will matter.

I'm stuck. Between living a life where I feel useless and not living at all.

Too bad we all know I'm too much of a pussy to do what needs to be done.